Only Kids?

I am an only kid of an only mom, and we had an only kid. It’s all got me wondering, are Onlies better?

A friend said her “only child” partner spoke affectionately about the idea of siblings. But it’s not that simple, just ask some friends with brothers or sisters!!!

I remember my mom asked me years ago if she should say yes to a marriage proposal. Never ask a 10-year-old only child if they want to share; the answer is always no. Guess what this 10-year-old said? My mom turned down the marriage proposal. I assume there was more to the “no” than me, but all that mattered was that I didn’t have to share her with a sibling. My “only mom” got married at 24 and discovered her new husband preferred men, so she left with baby me and never had more.

Would I have been a better person with brothers or sisters? Our daughter is an only kid, but not by design; it just wasn’t to be. It was only later that I started to wonder if 10-year-old me had been wrong. Would having a sibling have been better? Would I have learned about sharing with more than one other person?

I hear the loving reminiscences of brothers and sisters around the dinner table, sharing jokes and stories. More importantly, there is lots of love- not the Waltons kind of love (who are the Waltons, you ask?) But there is also a bit of hate mixed in, friends and family say it’s not easy. They tell of siblings throwing things, of manipulation, and sometimes years go by without speaking to each other.

But mostly there’s love. Siblings protect you from the bad guys; bigger families are certainly a lot better at arguing and resolving disputes, at disagreeing and then letting go. As an only, I prefer to eye-roll rather than have a real discussion. My mom showed me lots of love, but the sharing was limited; we did things our way.

Families are a compilation of different people. In mine, I never had to compete for love, never had to negotiate for my place in the world; it was just my mom and me. She liked to share, but it was always on her terms. I think of my mom’s slides–the only thing that mattered was sharing –she put on a slide show in person, sometimes with her siblings in the crowd.

Now we have a choice, we can have sex and not have children, onlies or otherwise. Not like my pre-birth control pill grandmother, who would have had 7 kids, if 4 of the “blue babies” did not die the moment they were born. My nana was RH-negative, but if her baby was positive, it was attacked at birth and destroyed by her own antibodies.

Canadian Blood Services says “Hundreds of families either lost or gave birth to seriously disabled babies in second and subsequent pregnancies due to erythroblastosis fetalis… A lot of families never had more than one child.”

I’ve inherited the rh-negative blood, but that’s not my excuse for having an Only. Transfusion and shots have taken care of the problem since the 40’s. It was too late for my nana, but loads of time for me!

And now the “Onlies” are becoming common out of choice; some people decide to have no kids at all. Meanwhile, loneliness is growing. We’re in an age where it seems people don’t know how to share space, and we live increasingly in screened worlds. We share pictures and videos, we’re experts at avoiding each other, instead of figuring out how to get along.

For better or worse, we all make the best with what we have. But beware! We’re all becoming only children.